It has recently come to my attention that pugs do not---do not---make good attack dogs. As such, Pugita Noelle, #666
, was officially removed from her previously occupied position as Head (and only member, but that's irrelevant) of Squirrel Management today. This decision pains me greatly, as Pugita has been a faithful employee for the three years that she has been alive, but what I witnessed out on the field today was just shameful. Most disturbing, however, was that in her failure to act rapidly and responsibly, she threatened the safety and happiness of numerous innocent lives---lives that are already targets of a cunningly sinister, and I fear unstoppable, enemy.
As it is summer, Pugita is assigned to 24/7 tomato guard. The young, naive plantlings had just been placed ever-so-gently into their sunny, moist havens, encouraged by large quantities of water and Miracle-Gro to embrace life. Pugita and I rejoiced. Bees hummed. Birds sang. God smiled. But a shadow was to fall upon our Eden...
Suddenly I heard ominous chattering directly behind me. Being a seasoned officer, I knew exactly what devil was among us. "Pugita!," I screamed, "Get those rat-bastards!" Sure enough, those thieving murderers, the Squirrels, had come to drink the premature V-8 of our vegetable children.
To make a long story short, Pugita disobeyed instinct and orders and merely sniffed (!) at the gang's leader, a dangerous fellow who rather resembles a grey, rotundly bushy tomato himself. (His striking resemblance to my mother's pseudo-boyfriend, Frank, makes me seriously consider the possibility of unholy breeding in humankind's line.) Sniffed! And if I didn't know better, I'd say it was a---gag! ack! gag!---friendly sniff. I am devastated.
(Yes, people, I have this kind of time on my hands.)
On a lighter note, I got my grades today. A- in Literary Theory: From Structuralism to Poststructuralism (muc' luv to ya, Lisa, my sista!), A- in Christianity in Modern Europe (Ed, my homey, love the hat! Thinkin' of get one of my own, you snappy trendsetter,you!), B in Understanding Religious Traditions in a Global Context (I'm down wit' you, Natalie girl, love me some Buddha!), and a garblegarblecoughsneeze in Theologizing Harry Potter.
Debra, you bitch.